Loop du Loop

I can’t stop thinking

about how good my ex-husband treated me

on many days

and how I didn’t appreciate it often enough

and how much easier my life would have been—

in so many ways—

had I stayed.

And also that I feel like

I’ve been stuck in this place

since we divorced—

which is now 8 1/2 years ago…

Time keeps slipping away.

And I wonder:

For how long will I suffer the regret?

And why haven’t I met “him” yet?

I left my ex

for guys like Benson,

and all they do

is leave me regrettin’—

and it’s painful

and it’s sad

and it hurts so, so bad.

I am mad at myself

for ever letting it get this far.

I’m exhausted,

and I don’t know how much longer I can

continue to leave my heart’s door ajar.

From afar,

I can see I actually did what’s right for me.

But up close,

over-analyzing myself—

I come across as a real big mess.

Dear God, please help me move forward.

I’m so tired

of this loop du loop game.

It hurts my tummy and my brain.

Stability, please offer me.

I go to you—

but still,

it doesn’t feel true

that you will provide me

with the ability to see.

What is your plan?

Where is my man?

Why am I to wait so long?

Why do I have to be

so gosh darn strong—

walk through so much alone,

with the only people I can reach

living through the phone?

Where is he?

I’m dizzy.

And I don’t see the point

of living a life frozen

in isolation and hope.